The Basics: So the Decepticons want these pillars that can reshape the universe and it'll help them kill off the Autobots and enslave all the people on Earth but the government doesn't believe this because they forgot that the root word of Decepticon is "deceive" so they're dumb and then Shia and Not Megan Fox have to go rogue and jump start the next robot war but it might be too late because all the big businesses are now run by Decepticon lackeys and so the robots trash Chicago and then comes the part where Shia screams "OPTIMUHHHHSSSS!!!" in the middle of a huge battle. That's always the funniest scene in these movies and it happens in every one of them. Like that guy can even hear you, dummy.
What's The Deal: A non-film-critic friend told me yesterday that liking these movies is the same thing as liking Limp Bizkit and hot dogs from AM/PM convenience stores. Then some other film critics I know told me that liking these movies means I'm not a real film critic anymore, if I ever was. Then Optimus Prime himself came to me in a dream and said, "Thank you, Dave, for liking these films means that you understand our true awesome nature and the beauty of loud idiot garbage about nothing." And I said, "You're welcome, Optimus Prime. Now go make me a sandwich made of metal."
Headache Probability: If you hated the last two movies for their relentless assault of spinning gears and twisted bot-on-bot visual confusion, then you should know that not a single thing has changed, the 3D this one is in will only amplify your agony and you will be way happier choosing that nice Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts movie instead. If, on the other hand, your favorite element of these films is precisely their refusal to comply with your eyeballs' need for stuff to just stop for a minute every once in a while so you can focus and not get sick to your stomach, then yeah, lots more of that.
Employee Of The Month: It's sort of impossible to know if Shia LaBeouf is a good actor or not because he's found a yelling niche that he doesn't seem all that eager to shake. But subtle acting tricks are not what you need from a star in these films. You need somebody who's down for whatever, who doesn't bother asking what the day on set is going to hold, who just stands in front of that green screen and reacts to the spot on the wall and understands that, when you're acting opposite cars and air, you're just a dutiful cog in the machine. He's now a brand you can trust.
Cheesecake Factory: Replacing the smart-mouthed Megan Fox in this chapter is Victoria's Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. Her job is to run across robot destruction wreckage in super-high heels, get thrown around a toppling building (in the movie's greatest, craziest action sequence to date) without soiling or tearing her pristine white jacket, stare blankly at possible end-of-the-world chaos and be less--as in "not at all''--of a contrarian than her predecessor. She's an expert at all that stuff.
Trailer:
I am not plagiarizing. I got this info from movies.com.
Next in 2nd place we have Harry Potter and the deathly hallows part 2. Review:Who's In It: Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson, Ralph Fiennes, Michael Gambon, Alan Rickman, Warwick Davis, John Hurt, Maggie Smith, Helena Bonham Carter, Jason Isaacs, Tom Felton, Ciaran Hinds, Matthew Lewis, Jim Broadbent, Julie Walters, David Thewlis, Emma Thompson, Robbie Coltrane, Gary Oldman, Bonnie Wright
The Basics: Harry has to get that last horcrux if he's going to weaken old No-Nose enough to finally smash him to bits. He's also got to help fight off the evil army descending on Hogwarts for a battle royale, take a ride on a dragon, trip into a back-story vision to learn more secrets from Snape and Dumbledore, remind Ginny he's still into her and get the wand with the superpowers. So he's kind of busy.
What's The Deal: Obviously, if you've studiously ignored the Potter movies for the past decade, this isn't the film to watch if you're finally thinking of playing catch-up. There are no "previously on Harry Potter" details to bring you up to speed. But for longtime fans, especially for obsessives, the rewards are great. Setting aside the visual excitement of underground roller coasters, mean ogres, giant spiders, giddy Voldemort laughter, spiky dragons, terrifying fire-snakes, awesomely creepy Dementors and the violent slaughter of _________, _________ and _________ (sorry, no names), this incredibly satisfying and emotionally moving finale is frosted with sprinkles of just about every bit of Harry Potter lore you can think to name, save for those vomit and dirt-flavored jellybeans. It's like a roll call of stuff you love and maybe even forgot along the way. Dive in. Or make a bingo card.
MVPs: Maggie Smith and Matthew Lewis as Professor McGonagall and Neville Longbottom. If, like me, you abandoned reading the books because you knew the movies would eventually come along and do the work for you, this installment gives you a lot of awesome and surprising Longbottom heroics and excellent badass moments from McGonagall. That's all I want to say. I only like to throw spoilers into a review if it really deserves to be spoiled.
It's Time For The Oscars To Recognize: Well, everything, really. And I know I already have a reputation here as someone who cares more about pork chops than the Oscars, but out in the real world people still put stock in them so it'd be a nice pat on the back for these billion-dollar industry ambassadors to get a little recognition for their efforts. As good as this franchise has been over the years, the films are still routinely snubbed by the Academy Awards in all but a few technical categories. At the very least, Alan Rickman deserves a nod for years of Snape service.
Trailer:
In third we have Super 8. Review:Who's In It: Joel Courtney, Elle Fanning, Ryan Lee, Zach Mills, Riley Griffiths, Gabriel Basso, Kyle Chandler, Ron Eldard
The Basics: In small-town Ohio, 1979, six kids witness a horrific train accident while shooting a homemade zombie movie. Turns out the train is military and carrying something classified, angry and determined to escape. As the town turns upside-down and the kids confront the scary secret, they--nope, that's all you get. The trailers have done an admirable job of keeping this movie's mysteries to itself instead of bonking you over the head with them just to lure you into the theater. I'm not going to wreck it. It's the most satisfying summer movie so far this year. But go see it now before someone else ruins it for you.
What's The Deal: This is not a Steven Spielberg film but you'd be forgiven for thinking you'd been actually transported back to 1979 when he was at the height of his coolness powers. So yeah, complain about that if you want, that writer-director J.J. Abrams is simply ripping off the master of kids-plus-aliens-plus-adventure-plus-awe. Or you could think of it in musical terms. Great new pop songs are never truly "original." They tie together strands of existing material, figure out a way to recycle a classic sound, beloved hook or chord progression, remix it into a new shape and thrill you all over again. And that's this movie. Unlike other old ideas in new packages, it flying-bikes its way over the stunted-growth trap that too often leaves you stuck in the guilty zone of the "guilty pleasure" summer movie. Instead it takes you on a trip to childhood excitement and, when it's time to leave, is mature enough to know it.
Give The Casting Director A Raise: It stars Elle Fanning and a bunch of other child actors you've never heard of, and that's great. They smartly decided to mostly go with newcomers and/or under-the-radar kids and wound up creating an ensemble of teenage gawkiness every bit as natural and unforced as Henry Thomas and his E.T. pals or, more recently, the high schoolers of Freaks and Geeks. The work together like a gang of neighborhood kids who've actually known each other all their lives instead of a competing squad of tween narcissists.
Period Detail Nerds Can Exhale: Nearly everything on screen is exactly as it was in 1979 (save for some forgivable gun-jumping about Rubik's Cube and the Walkman, neither of which came along in the U.S. until 1980) and, along with the smart direction and other impeccable production details, leaves you feeling like you're in the hands of people you can really trust.
Don't Jump Up And Leave When The Credits Start To Crawl: There's more to see at the end. So sit still.
Trailer:
Well, those are the top three in my opinion. Stay tuned for more movies and remember to watch these movies above :) Glitch happened scroll over the white.
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